Captain's gender
by Sol4rpleXus
Summary: One day Snippy stumbles upon the unique opportunity to solve the mysteries behind Captain's gender. Cap/Snip


_**This was a little idea I came up with in a conversation with Temarcia. So I took the challenge and actually wrote a slash fanfiction.** _

**_Not test-read by anyone, because time-reasons._**

_**Anyways,** **enjoy!**_

* * *

**Captain's gender**

* * *

Sniper yawned tiredly, stretching his arms up above his head.

He was on a watch – but it wasn't their base that he was guarding, as usual. It was a fashion store.

Captain told him to guard the entrance of the building as long as he was away, before he disappeared into it. Thirty minutes passed since he had left, and the sniper stood there fidgeting, all dressed up and with nowhere to go, waiting for his Captain to return.

After solving the rubric cube he carried around with him for the second time, Sniper started to get a little impatient. He wondered what took his Captain so long and pictured him trying on every single piece of clothing in the store.

Spontaneously he decided to take an unauthorized break from his guard and go check on him.

After scanning the environment with squinted eyes for one last time and spotting nothing unusual, he set off into the building.

As a gust of wind blew through the colorful store, glittery clothes studded with rhinestones sparkled in every direction he looked. But Captain was nowhere to be seen, so he walked farther into the store.

On his way, Sniper wondered why Captain loved glittery and pink stuff so much and asked himself, (like so many times before) if Captain perhaps really was a girl, like he always claimed.

In his mind, he imagined Captain wearing stockings and a red bra, pushing up a really big bust. That female version of Captain walked towards him seductively, stroked Sniper's chest and gave him a wink, before she turned around gracefully and started dancing, the ornament of Captain's underwear waving. He could feel her close to his chest and his heart pounded as she moved her hips as if dancing to a slow song, gently pushing her round, well-shaped ass up against his crotch.

Sniper sucked in a breath as he forced himself awake from this very distractive daydream.

He had to find his Captain, where ever he (or she) may be.

After running off all the aisles, he swept through the fitting rooms, but Captain was nowhere to be seen.

So he took the stairs up to the first storey, which seemed to be a department for undergarments, divided into lingerie for women and skivvies for men.

Having lots of undergarment was always useful when living in an apocalyptic wasteland, after all water was scarce and shouldn't be wasted for washing if not necessary; Sniper thought as he browsed the skivvies for his size and favorite colors, stuffing them in his backpack.

As he held the last one in his hands, he looked at it in thoughts and put it aside, while he closed the zipper of his backpack and leaned it against the nearest pillar. Sniper remembered that he hadn't changed underwear in days, and thought of this moment of Captain's absence as the perfect opportunity to do so. After a quick glance to every direction, he untied his boots, shook them off and started unzipping his pants, always having a wary eye on his surroundings.

As he was finally done, he threw the old undies over his shoulder and stood up straight, looking down in pride at his new, perfectly clean boxer briefs, smiling.

Just as he wanted to put his pants back on, he heard someone mutter some hardly understandable words that sounded like:

"Hmfpfpmffphmpff mein sexy minion, why would you throw this in my face?"

This made him jump in terror, as he'd been unaware that someone had been there behind him.

In a clumsy attempt to take a step forward, his feet got caught up in his halfway pulled up pants and he helplessly toppled over, blindly crashing into a nearby clothing rack and ending up on the floor with tons of underwear all over his head.

Furiously he plucked the pieces off his head and flipped himself over to face the person who dared to startle him like that.

"There you are, Mr. delicious! I've been looking for you," the tall figure said happily.

Even in the dim light, Snippy instantly recognized Captain, although there was something different about him, something he had never seen on him before. It was probably the pink feather scarf that was loosely wrapped around his neck. He must have picked it up earlier, in the fashion store downstairs.

Suddenly Captain knelt down over him and sent seductive whispers into his ear.

"Come, mein sexy sniper... I want to show you something really nice!"

Snippy felt slightly disturbed about the tone of his voice, but on the other hand he was quite curious what it was that the Captain wanted to show him. According to him it would be something "nice", but that could mean a lot of things.

With a start he stood up and put his pants back on, then the Captain got hold of his arm and Sniper was pulled into a small office room with a big, red leather couch in the middle of the room.

"Are you ready, Mr. Snippy...?" the Captain sang, before he slipped out of his shoes and pushed them aside.

"Ready for what?" the sniper asked, looking at him puzzled.

As Captain pushed him down on the couch, Sniper gasped, but there was more to come. The Captain let his heavy coat slide down his shoulders and dropped it on the floor, revealing a glittery top that gleamed in every possible color. On his lower half he wore a pair of really tight, black jeans.

The sniper eyed him up and down in surprise, before the Captain approached him, got hold of Sniper's shoulders and carefully positioned himself on the flustered man's lap, who by now could feel sweat drops run down his face.

"Ohh you are so going to love this!" the Captain told him.

Only as the Captain paused for a second and started pulling his gloves off, Sniper suddenly remembered how to breathe.

A strangely pleasant shiver ran through his whole body as Captain's cold hands found their way below Sniper's shirt, slowly running up his chest and back down again, before they started unbuttoning his pants.

"Captain...?!" Snippy breathed out with a shaky voice and wanted to protest, but inadvertently moaned in surprise as he felt a hand down on his junk.

By reflex, Sniper grabbed Captain's wrist and stared at him, unable to speak a single word.

"What I am to show you... Do you... really want to see it...?" Captain teased.

Giving himself plenty of time to think, he retained his frozen position – not like he could get away just like that, anyway.

But what was happening here, and why was Captain acting like this?

The Captain wouldn't tell him what it was that he wanted to show him, and Sniper had mixed feelings about this. But in the end, he couldn't resist the urge to find it out anymore and finally his curiosity won.

"Do it," he said pleadingly, and it was like he could see the Captain wicked smile through his mask.

"Alright, mein sexy sniper!" Captain spoke seductively, giggling awkwardly.

And so the Captain got up from Sniper's lap and bent over, his face hovering close to Snippy's ear.

"I'm going to primp myself up," Captain said softly and strode out of the room, glancing back once more before he disappeared.

Sniper almost thought he saw a short wink in his eyes behind the purple binocular-goggles, but he settled that it must have just been a reflection, as he never actually got a chance to see Captain's eyes before.

So after the Captain had seduced him, he had gone to dress himself up, while the sniper was left to wait for him patiently.

Seeing where this is going, Sniper thought back about his daydream with the female version Captain, and snickered to himself. He wondered if it was what he would really get to see, but knowing Captain, he might as well expect another stupid prank. In any case, he would be prepared, no matter how things would turn out, he thought to himself confidently.

So he waited there, sitting on the red couch with his pants buttoned open, arms resting on the back-rest cushions and legs spread comfortably.

Sudden, loud footsteps drew his attention to the door – it sounded a lot like someone was walking over a wooden floor with high-heels. Not long after, an awkwardly wrapped up Captain appeared in the door frame. The moment Sniper saw his 'clothes', if one could even call them clothes, he wondered what was going on in the other's head, feeling more puzzled than ever. But that was nothing new when you were traveling with Captain. To describe it more accurately, it looked like Captain just wore a bunch of pink and red pieces of silken cloth that were wrapped and knotted around himself in the strangest matter.

Just what were they for? Giving up on trying to figure out Captain's mind, Snippy just accepted his utter confusion and continued watching.

Gracefully the Captain strode closer, until he stood just about a meter from where Sniper was seated, and started performing an oriental kind of dance.

One by one the Captain started to drop the pieces of cloth that were wrapped around his arms and shoulders, revealing his chest that was neatly packed into a red bra, studded with colorful pearls on strings that synchronously shook and wiggled with his gracious dance moves.

Sniper liked what he saw, and couldn't get his eyes off Captain. He spontaneously got up and moved closer, putting his hands on that wonderful waist.

Captain continued dancing as he turned his back to Sniper, who couldn't resist but to pruriently press Captain closer to himself. Then he ran his hands farther up to feel the soft, wonderful breasts in his hands. With every second he felt the tightness in his pants grow, and having Captain's ass firmly pressed against himself only made it worse, but he only started to enjoy it even more.

Searchingly he looked down and found the knot of the last silken cloth that was wrapped around Captain's hips. With one hand and shaky fingers he unfastened it, removing the final cloth and dropping it down.

As he ran his hands down Captain's front, Sniper felt something really awkward that seemed completely out of place, and assumed that it must be just another piece of cloth. So he felt out the strange, squishy bulge some more, but he couldn't determine what it was. Though now he knew that it could by no means be a piece of cloth, because it felt way too squishy and he could almost say it felt like it was something organic.

By now he already felt slight discomfort, imagining what it could be and he was almost afraid to find out. Though his curiosity didn't leave him any other choice but to grab Captain by the shoulders, and turn him around in a swift move.

_"Holy shit!"_

Sniper glanced at it only for a second, but that was already enough to send him backing away in utter terror, falling over the couch and ending up sleazily balled up on the floor.

What he'd seen there wasn't close to anything he could ever imagine and ten times worse than all he'd ever seen in his nightmares. It looked like a fleshy squid with an uncountable amount of arms that reached out to him, and the view sent electrifying shivers down his spine that would - with no doubt - grant him many horrifying nightmares.

After getting back up he dared another short look, then another, and as Captain took a step closer, Snippy ran out of the room, loudly screaming "BWAH!"

Terrified like a frightened animal, he ran a bit too fast as he reached the stairs, braked, tripped over his own feet, and fell down the stairs.

Fueled with adrenaline and terror, Sniper dashed out of the building and ran as far away as his legs could carry him.

Captain eventually returned home, but his favorite minion wasn't around and didn't come back for three days. After the sniper finally returned, he didn't exchange a glance nor a word with the Captain for a very, very long time.

But Captain didn't mind. After all he had two other sexy minions, that he planned on taking to the sexy clothing store very soon.

_The End_

* * *

**_LOL my apologies to everyone who was expecting... more. But this was kinda like... well, you could call it a parody.  
_**

**_This is the best of a 'romantic' story you'll ever get to see from me. xD_**

**_Uhm and for those who still didn't get it: This was NOT a love story. So don't rant at me about it not being romantic at all. It's a parody. Look the term up if it's unfamiliar to you._**


End file.
